A Growing Transparency  

Posted by BT

I'm looking out my hotel window at half of the Gateway Arch...Quite a lovely view. I sure do miss my wife and son, though.

My time here in St. Louis has been good. I am here working for Nazarene Headquarters at the USA/Canada Nazarene Youth International District Leadership Conference (what a name!). But the best of my time has been spent in worship and in sharing my heart with a friend, James (his blog is linked to the right). Last night in the worship service we sang a song that repeated the line "Less of me and more of You," clearly sung to God. But, the worship leader threw us for a loop when he told us to sing it to each other. "Less of me and more of you, Brother." I was moved when James came from the complete opposite side of the room to hug me and sing it to me. And I sang it to him. And I so sincerely hope that I meant it.

Much was stirred up (and has been stirred up for some time now). James and I went to Starbucks this morning for breakfast and began talking about where we are, what we're doing, what we're thinking, what we're dealing with. James told me (very) briefly about his community, and I told him (very) briefly about ours. We talked of the existing church and the emerging church, friends and their thoughts, worship styles, pastors...We talked and we talked. We hardly even mentioned our two precious kids, Halle and Braden, both 3-4 months old, which gives you an idea of how prevalent these topics are in our minds.

Ultimately, James helped me come to a conclusion that I probably have needed to confess for some time: That, especially during my most formative years in college, I mostly lived my life to meet the approval of certain people. Jesus was typically not one of them. Some of these people I felt never approved of me, and some I felt I managed to "win over." Only now do I see (admit) the silliness in it all. Sadly, though, I find myself still longing to meet with the approval of some of these people. Most of them are far ahead of me in this "post-postmodern" way of thinking, and I read their blogs and wish I were as "spiritual" as them. Sad. I think most of them would call themselves my friends (perhaps simply "acquaintances"), so is it my insecurity? Maybe there's a better word than approval...maybe it's respect. I want them to respect me so badly...My pride is clearly in the way. Funny how insecurity and pride so often go hand in hand.

There's a lot more rolling around in my head about the role of the existing church in this emerging church paradigm...but I don't know how to articulate it yet. I'm working on it.

If you have read this and are afraid you may be one of the people I mentioned earlier, please don't worry. I don't think those people are even aware I have a blog. (One of them stumbled upon a mutual friend's blog not long ago and talked about how happy he was to reconnect with him, and that he would be frequenting his blog as a place of refuge...I found myself undeniably envious of him, who clearly had been approved by one whose approval I had [have] so long been seeking...I apologize to both of you, if you read this and know who you are.) Either way, it is a change in my heart that needs to be made, not in yours.

I am tempted to skip all the evening activities and go watch Chris Carpenter pitch, but it's almost sure to rain, and I am at "work."

Now Reading: "Reflections on the Psalms," by C.S. Lewis
Cardinals' Magic Number: 2

This entry was posted on 13 September 2005 at 4:08 PM . You can follow any responses to this entry through the comments feed .

5 comments

Anonymous  

i'm sorry that i have been so impossible.
that it takes so much damn work (or luck, or literature or taste or someother silly thing) to earn my approval. i confess to you, and to all those that read this...for many long years it was this way by design. i have demanded much from myself, and have imposed that standard on all those that i love. and while i want to believe that this has looked like encouragement and assistence and accountability. i know better. it has looked instead like an old friend or roomate, being a sharp-edged catalyst - not for growth, but for deconstruction. this has been my journey, and i have made it 'our' responsibility. please, please forgive me for lacking grace, tact, sensitivity, and humility.
i do not want to place myself above you, or any one else. less of me, more of you. help me to serve you, the way that i should have been for these many years.
i trust you.
i value you.
i respect you.
i believe in you.
and i pray for you.
that you continue the heavy and necessary journey down the narrow road. please, from this point on, accept my words for what they are...a celebration of truth, born out of hope, and directed towards change.
thy kingdom come
thy will be done
on earth as it is in heaven
give us this day our daily bread
and forgive us our debts
as we forgive our debtors
lead us not into temptation
and deliver us from the evil one
for thine is the kingdom
and the power
and the glory
forever.

in solidarity brother,
amen.
and

peace

9:05 PM

My friend--

You don't lack all the things you accuse yourself of lacking. I hope from the deepest part of me that you did not read my words as an indictment of you, but instead an examination of me.

You do not need to say "Please, please forgive me." I forgive you. And I ask your forgiveness for my shortsightedness and unfairness toward you, even if it was only in my heart (ESPECIALLY if it was only in my heart). I am sorry.

Thy Kingdom come, indeed. And peace also to you.

Abba's...

BT

1:39 PM

And may I add...

Praise Jesus for burdens lifted.

Praise Jesus for reconciliation and healing.

1:48 PM

Found your blog from Kelly Smith's blog. I was excited to see your name and to be able to read a little about your life. May God bless you and your family.

8:48 PM

Brad, it was soooo good to be with you last week. Thanks for the early morning talks, worshipping together and the double elevator rides. You are a great friend.

3:49 PM

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