I'm looking out my hotel window at half of the Gateway Arch...Quite a lovely view. I sure do miss my wife and son, though.

My time here in St. Louis has been good. I am here working for Nazarene Headquarters at the USA/Canada Nazarene Youth International District Leadership Conference (what a name!). But the best of my time has been spent in worship and in sharing my heart with a friend, James (his blog is linked to the right). Last night in the worship service we sang a song that repeated the line "Less of me and more of You," clearly sung to God. But, the worship leader threw us for a loop when he told us to sing it to each other. "Less of me and more of you, Brother." I was moved when James came from the complete opposite side of the room to hug me and sing it to me. And I sang it to him. And I so sincerely hope that I meant it.

Much was stirred up (and has been stirred up for some time now). James and I went to Starbucks this morning for breakfast and began talking about where we are, what we're doing, what we're thinking, what we're dealing with. James told me (very) briefly about his community, and I told him (very) briefly about ours. We talked of the existing church and the emerging church, friends and their thoughts, worship styles, pastors...We talked and we talked. We hardly even mentioned our two precious kids, Halle and Braden, both 3-4 months old, which gives you an idea of how prevalent these topics are in our minds.

Ultimately, James helped me come to a conclusion that I probably have needed to confess for some time: That, especially during my most formative years in college, I mostly lived my life to meet the approval of certain people. Jesus was typically not one of them. Some of these people I felt never approved of me, and some I felt I managed to "win over." Only now do I see (admit) the silliness in it all. Sadly, though, I find myself still longing to meet with the approval of some of these people. Most of them are far ahead of me in this "post-postmodern" way of thinking, and I read their blogs and wish I were as "spiritual" as them. Sad. I think most of them would call themselves my friends (perhaps simply "acquaintances"), so is it my insecurity? Maybe there's a better word than approval...maybe it's respect. I want them to respect me so badly...My pride is clearly in the way. Funny how insecurity and pride so often go hand in hand.

There's a lot more rolling around in my head about the role of the existing church in this emerging church paradigm...but I don't know how to articulate it yet. I'm working on it.

If you have read this and are afraid you may be one of the people I mentioned earlier, please don't worry. I don't think those people are even aware I have a blog. (One of them stumbled upon a mutual friend's blog not long ago and talked about how happy he was to reconnect with him, and that he would be frequenting his blog as a place of refuge...I found myself undeniably envious of him, who clearly had been approved by one whose approval I had [have] so long been seeking...I apologize to both of you, if you read this and know who you are.) Either way, it is a change in my heart that needs to be made, not in yours.

I am tempted to skip all the evening activities and go watch Chris Carpenter pitch, but it's almost sure to rain, and I am at "work."

Now Reading: "Reflections on the Psalms," by C.S. Lewis
Cardinals' Magic Number: 2